What is today, but yesterday's tomorrow?

I need to get out of the mindset that small choices/mistakes/decisions don't matter, because they do.

Sure, if you miss taking  a medication every once in awhile, or cheat on your diet and get ice cream occasionally, or something along those lines... That's relatively normal and as long as it's an occasional/accidental thing it's fine. But there are times I'll realize it's midnight, and I haven't taken my Metformin yet... even though I know I should, and I could without an issue seeing as I'd probably be awake for another hour or two and taking it a few hours off schedule is better than not taking it at all, I don't. I'll tell myself that it's too late, and I'll start up taking it regularly again the next day and that one missed dose won't kill me... And maybe it won't kill me, but it certainly hurts me. Because then I get into the habit if not taking it, and then when I do get back on it again the side effects take a few weeks to go away and it's discouraging.

Same applies to my low-carb diet. There are times I'm amazing with it, and other times where I'm like "Screw it, having a sandwich won't affect it.." but my body is really sensitive to carbs, and deep down I know the bread will. I guess I just am always hoping that suddenly things will be okay on their own, without medication, without excessive diet changes... but that's not going to happen. So yeah. I do need to pay attention to these decisions that I'm consciously making and just neglecting to acknowledge.

I became aware of this the other day. I spent like all day with my brother and mom at the Verizon store getting our phones upgraded (iPhone 6! Wooh!) but none of us had eaten much that day since we got up and basically went straight to the store, and my brother really wanted to go to waffle house... so we did. I actually hadn't been there since I was like 8 so I didn't know what they had (other than waffles, obviously.) But I almost ordered eggs and hash browns, or an egg and bacon sandwich, or something along those lines.. potatoes and bread are a no-go for me. And i realized i was trying to justify it to myself by saying that I had messed up the day before, and hadn't eaten anything that day already so TECHNICALLY if i only ate half the sandwich my carbs would still be under however many a day, or that I could eat whatever and just "start back up again tomorrow."

"Start back up again tomorrow." seems to be a pretty common phrase in my inner dialogue, here.

The problem with that is, that there's nothing to stop you from continuing to say that phrase. Once you get into a cycle of saying that to yourself there is no going back.

I would like to point out that I ended up getting a grilled chicken salad which was actually really good. (I've always been a fan of salads. I get them all the time. I'm not entirely sure why I was even leaning towards the sandwich or the hash browns in the first place? Subconsciously wanting what you know you can't/shouldn't have? Who knows.) But that's only because I had become increasingly aware over the past couple weeks that I was playing this mind-game with myself to somehow justify stupid decisions I knew I was making.

Same thing with my medications happened this morning. I woke up to get my brothers off to school at 7.. but then went back to bed and didn't really get up and consider myself "awake" until about 11. I figured it was almost lunch time, I'm supposed to take Metformin with breakfast, maybe I should just wait till dinner-- but I caught myself. I knew I'd be up till after midnight. There was absolutely no reason why I couldn't take it with my breakfast that I had at 11, and then again at 11 tonight with my "fourth meal" so to speak, since my schedule is later and I have to eat more frequently because of the size of my stomach to get enough food in, regardless of what diet I'm on. So I took it. I didn't like it, but I took it. And I felt better after I did.

There was a quote that stuck with me from Spongebob Squarepants, of all places. The dialogue was something along these lines:

Squidward: Why do today what you can put off until tomorrow?
Mr. Krabs: What is today, but yesterdays tomorrow?

Obviously that's referring to work procrastination and tasks you need to get done and what not, but that also applies with what I'm dealing with here. I'm an awful procrastinator, and that's running over into my health too. I need to stop letting it.

It's something I think I've always known. Most of my life it was just second nature to make the right choice as far as food goes, and to take my medication because I had other people dictating it for me. I had parents who were relentless with having me take my blood sugar and take my Metformin when I was 8 years old. I need to be relentless with myself now. I don't know why I've suddenly stopped caring as much as I did even when I was 16/17. Maybe I'm just being really discouraged from this weight gain lately and I'm feeling like giving up, like what's the point.

Side note: I have awful anxiety issues. I went to psychologists and psychiatrists for years when I was younger and they only addressed what they thought was my depression. They did diagnose me with generalized anxiety disorder, but they never did anything to help me treat it. I don't think I was ever depressed back in middle/high school. I think I was just so anxious that it was easier to shut down and not think about doing anything... which resulted in me doing nothing, which is why it gave off the impression that I was depressed... but I'm not a psychologist, obviously, I don't know their specific diagnosis criteria. I'm just saying that I'm a ridiculously anxious person and I have a habit of shutting down as opposed to over-thinking everything because there is no middle ground with me. I either shut down and pretend something doesn't exist, or i over-think and over-analyze every possible detail and scenario until it drives me insane. So to act like that doesn't play a part in this would be stupid. It definitely does, I'm just not sure what or how and I get irritated with any doctor that I've tried to talk to about it in recent years so I'm having trouble getting to the bottom of it. 

Bottom line is... I'm working on consciously making these decisions, things I've always done that have just been harder to do in the past year or so... I'm trying to stop justifying things that have no justification, things that I'm fully aware are going to hurt me in the long run. Taking my medication every day no matter how much I hate doing it as often as I have to, not "taking a bite" of one of my brothers snacks or meals that don't fit my diet plan... That one bite, or that one missed pill... Whatever I think it offers me in the short term is nothing compared to what doing the opposite will offer me in the long term, and I need to keep that in mind.

***

I hope you all are having a good day, and I'll be sure to check back in soon!

-Ashley<3(:

It's been awhile, hasn't it?

Hey there! Ashley here. It's been awhile since I updated. I've received a few emails and messages on Facebook lately about this blog, and it resulted in me logging back on to realize it's been ten months since I've updated! Wow. Time flies.

I was always motivated to update this blog when I was doing well. This blog was also a motivation for me to do well (and I define doing well by losing weight, which may not be the healthiest way of looking at it, but that's debatable.) But as far as that goes, I'm not doing well. Which is probably a huge part as to why I haven't updated lately.

I've gained 30 pounds in the six to eight months or so. I went from around 175 to 205. Which, in the grand scheme of things... I'm still closer to my goal than where I started, which is good and when I look at the situation objectively, I can see that. However, I'm still not pleased with myself even though it's not 100% in my control at the moment...

A combination of the holidays, and money issues making it difficult to stick to the low carbohydrate high protein diet I had been doing (which worked REALLY well)  were a huge part of my weight gain. Also I switched insurance companies, and there was an overlap of time I wasn't able to get 2 of my medications. I've also been having trouble stomaching one of my medications, which is better now that I've got the prescription changed.. But these are all excuses.

Its just one thing after another honestly and it knocks down your motivation real quick, you know?

I feel like whenever I get my medications under control I'll start to lose again, it's just a matter of getting in the routine of taking them the way I had for years which is something I've been out of practice of for the past few months.  I've never "fallen off" my diet necessarily, I just didn't follow it as strictly as I did in 2013, which is what I need to do again. I had so much more energy and felt so much better about myself when I stuck to Atkins. I hadn't felt that healthy in a long time, and I'm working my way back into it.

As far as the surgery goes.. I'm three and a half years out now, to the day. February 19th, 2015. I had surgery on August 19th 2011. I really don't feel like the sleeve has done much for me other than the lack of appetite and the restriction, which wasn't really much of a problem to begin with.. Not to say it's not a good dieting tool, because it's fantastic. But it certainly hasn't done for me what I've seen it do for other people within the Teen WLS program I went through, you know? And sure I can attribute that to all of my metabolic problems that are somewhat separate from anything the surgery could touch. I don't know the science behind it all, but I know things have certainly worked differently for me than anyone I've met in these support groups on Facebook or the few I've gone to in person at the hospital. I could make guesses, but they wouldn't be educated outside of what I've researched on my own. Obviously everyone's body is different, but when I look at my issues pre and post op, they are nothing like anyone I know. So... Who knows!

I'm sure once I get back into a routine I'll do better, and I do still want to get down to my goal weight. I just need to find the motivation again, so I'm hoping getting back into blogging will help with that!

So if there are any topics anyone wants me to write about, or any suggestions.. feel free to let me know. I have 120+ posts on this site and I feel like I've written the subject(s) dry, but yet I still feel like there's more I could say... So let me know! Message me on FB or e-mail me!

Here's to hoping I get things under control soon. :) Hope you all have a lovely day. Talk to you soon.

-Ashley<3