This will probably be my final post.

It's been over two years since I've posted on this blog! Time flies. Wow.

I just wanted to let everyone know that I've started a new blog! I didn't consciously decide to stop writing here, it just kind of happened naturally for a number of reasons. (I'm just going to copy and paste a few of those reasons from my new blog because I'm lazy.)

For years (2011-2015) I kept a blog (OurFightNow) all about Childhood Obesity, Metabolic Syndrome, diet, exercise, and my experience having weight loss surgery as a 15 year old. To my knowledge, it’s still the only blog I’ve found talking about all of those issues from a teenagers perspective. At least as of 05/11/2017 when I’m writing this.

It’s now been 2 years since I’ve posted on that site, and while I’m still incredibly proud of the fact that I managed to keep that blog going so long- it was hard to upkeep. For numerous reasons… the most notable being:

1. I’m not a child or teenager anymore, and it didn’t feel right continuing to write under the pretense that it was from that perspective. I can still recount my experiences as a child, but it’s no longer coming from that frame of mind.
2. A large portion of that blog was in regards to weight loss surgery. I had a VSG in August 2011 and I’ve written the topic almost-dead. I don’t feel like I have anything else to say on the topic, at least for the time being.
3. Honestly? The blog was kind of cringe-worthy. There are a lot of errors (typo, and just general medical knowledge errors) that I made years ago that I SHOULD go back and fix, but the thought of doing so is extremely overwhelming at the moment.

So, I’ve decided to upgrade. I’m not 100% sure what all I’ll cover here. It’ll be similar health-related content, but I’m not going to pigeon-hole myself to only write about WLS/Metabolic Syndrome. To be honest, I’m not even 100% sure that Metabolic Syndrome is my be-all end-all diagnosis. (Currently being tested for Cushing’s Syndrome? We’ll see what happens with that…) So it doesn’t feel right to only write about those two things. This will be a journey for all of us.

So that's where I'm at now. 

My new blog is www.ashtrohealth.wordpress.com  if anyone is interested in checking it out! Other than that, you're still more than welcome to email/message me whenever you want! I still get comments and emails sometimes from people who read this blog and it always makes my day. I love being able to have an open discussion about these topics with people who understand or want to understand them.

My email is ashtrovert @ gmail . com & my Instagram/Tumblr/Twitter usernames are all ashtrovert as well! Feel free to get in contact whenever you'd like and I'd love to chat!

I hope you all are having a wonderful day and thank you all so much for following this blog.

-Ashley<3(: 

What is today, but yesterday's tomorrow?

I need to get out of the mindset that small choices/mistakes/decisions don't matter, because they do.

Sure, if you miss taking  a medication every once in awhile, or cheat on your diet and get ice cream occasionally, or something along those lines... That's relatively normal and as long as it's an occasional/accidental thing it's fine. But there are times I'll realize it's midnight, and I haven't taken my Metformin yet... even though I know I should, and I could without an issue seeing as I'd probably be awake for another hour or two and taking it a few hours off schedule is better than not taking it at all, I don't. I'll tell myself that it's too late, and I'll start up taking it regularly again the next day and that one missed dose won't kill me... And maybe it won't kill me, but it certainly hurts me. Because then I get into the habit if not taking it, and then when I do get back on it again the side effects take a few weeks to go away and it's discouraging.

Same applies to my low-carb diet. There are times I'm amazing with it, and other times where I'm like "Screw it, having a sandwich won't affect it.." but my body is really sensitive to carbs, and deep down I know the bread will. I guess I just am always hoping that suddenly things will be okay on their own, without medication, without excessive diet changes... but that's not going to happen. So yeah. I do need to pay attention to these decisions that I'm consciously making and just neglecting to acknowledge.

I became aware of this the other day. I spent like all day with my brother and mom at the Verizon store getting our phones upgraded (iPhone 6! Wooh!) but none of us had eaten much that day since we got up and basically went straight to the store, and my brother really wanted to go to waffle house... so we did. I actually hadn't been there since I was like 8 so I didn't know what they had (other than waffles, obviously.) But I almost ordered eggs and hash browns, or an egg and bacon sandwich, or something along those lines.. potatoes and bread are a no-go for me. And i realized i was trying to justify it to myself by saying that I had messed up the day before, and hadn't eaten anything that day already so TECHNICALLY if i only ate half the sandwich my carbs would still be under however many a day, or that I could eat whatever and just "start back up again tomorrow."

"Start back up again tomorrow." seems to be a pretty common phrase in my inner dialogue, here.

The problem with that is, that there's nothing to stop you from continuing to say that phrase. Once you get into a cycle of saying that to yourself there is no going back.

I would like to point out that I ended up getting a grilled chicken salad which was actually really good. (I've always been a fan of salads. I get them all the time. I'm not entirely sure why I was even leaning towards the sandwich or the hash browns in the first place? Subconsciously wanting what you know you can't/shouldn't have? Who knows.) But that's only because I had become increasingly aware over the past couple weeks that I was playing this mind-game with myself to somehow justify stupid decisions I knew I was making.

Same thing with my medications happened this morning. I woke up to get my brothers off to school at 7.. but then went back to bed and didn't really get up and consider myself "awake" until about 11. I figured it was almost lunch time, I'm supposed to take Metformin with breakfast, maybe I should just wait till dinner-- but I caught myself. I knew I'd be up till after midnight. There was absolutely no reason why I couldn't take it with my breakfast that I had at 11, and then again at 11 tonight with my "fourth meal" so to speak, since my schedule is later and I have to eat more frequently because of the size of my stomach to get enough food in, regardless of what diet I'm on. So I took it. I didn't like it, but I took it. And I felt better after I did.

There was a quote that stuck with me from Spongebob Squarepants, of all places. The dialogue was something along these lines:

Squidward: Why do today what you can put off until tomorrow?
Mr. Krabs: What is today, but yesterdays tomorrow?

Obviously that's referring to work procrastination and tasks you need to get done and what not, but that also applies with what I'm dealing with here. I'm an awful procrastinator, and that's running over into my health too. I need to stop letting it.

It's something I think I've always known. Most of my life it was just second nature to make the right choice as far as food goes, and to take my medication because I had other people dictating it for me. I had parents who were relentless with having me take my blood sugar and take my Metformin when I was 8 years old. I need to be relentless with myself now. I don't know why I've suddenly stopped caring as much as I did even when I was 16/17. Maybe I'm just being really discouraged from this weight gain lately and I'm feeling like giving up, like what's the point.

Side note: I have awful anxiety issues. I went to psychologists and psychiatrists for years when I was younger and they only addressed what they thought was my depression. They did diagnose me with generalized anxiety disorder, but they never did anything to help me treat it. I don't think I was ever depressed back in middle/high school. I think I was just so anxious that it was easier to shut down and not think about doing anything... which resulted in me doing nothing, which is why it gave off the impression that I was depressed... but I'm not a psychologist, obviously, I don't know their specific diagnosis criteria. I'm just saying that I'm a ridiculously anxious person and I have a habit of shutting down as opposed to over-thinking everything because there is no middle ground with me. I either shut down and pretend something doesn't exist, or i over-think and over-analyze every possible detail and scenario until it drives me insane. So to act like that doesn't play a part in this would be stupid. It definitely does, I'm just not sure what or how and I get irritated with any doctor that I've tried to talk to about it in recent years so I'm having trouble getting to the bottom of it. 

Bottom line is... I'm working on consciously making these decisions, things I've always done that have just been harder to do in the past year or so... I'm trying to stop justifying things that have no justification, things that I'm fully aware are going to hurt me in the long run. Taking my medication every day no matter how much I hate doing it as often as I have to, not "taking a bite" of one of my brothers snacks or meals that don't fit my diet plan... That one bite, or that one missed pill... Whatever I think it offers me in the short term is nothing compared to what doing the opposite will offer me in the long term, and I need to keep that in mind.

***

I hope you all are having a good day, and I'll be sure to check back in soon!

-Ashley<3(:

There is more than one way to go about this.

This is something I want to make clear to people... This blog isn't just about weight loss surgery for teenagers. That is one thing I chose to do to help me get healthier, among many many other decisions/tools I've used. That's just it, though. It was/is just a tool.

I post a lot of information about it, and my journey through it, because people deserve to know they have options, and when I was looking for information about it from a teenagers perspective, there was none. But! That is a personal decision.. I try to include information on a bunch of other things too...

I'm currently researching vegetarianism/veganism in people with metabolic conditions (IR, Diabetes, Thyroid issues, etc..), or people that have had weight loss surgery, etc.. To be able to put that information on here, along with going Gluten free diets. (because I've recently been in contact with a couple people post-op who have developed gluten in-tolerances  and because I know gluten free diets have been known to aid weight loss with or without the surgery tool.)

There are a hundred different ways to go about treating different health conditions/losing weight.. Not the same thing works for every person. You know? Some people need medications, others don't. Some decide to use surgery as a tool to lose weight, others don't. Some people find going vegetarian, gluten free, or extremely limiting their dietary intake to work. Not for everyone. Cleanses/fasts work for some people, but it doesn't for others. Some people don't need a lot of exercise to lose weight, others do. Do you see where I'm going with this?

I've gotten in.. well.. I don't want to say arguments, but.. debates.. I guess? With people who have come to the Facebook page I have for this site, or people who have emailed me.. Saying that I'm sending a negative message, trying to justify being obese, that I'm going about everything wrong and that all my doctors and my parents and everyone, myself included, is wrong. That I'm treating my condition wrong and that I"m going to die young because of what I put into my body medication-wise and that everything is bad and wrong wrong wrong.

I don't agree with this. Everyone assumes because I'm 17 that I don't know shit and people are taking advantage of me...

They'd never admit to it, but a couple doctors/nurses I've seen before I know have gotten slightly annoyed with me because I research everything and they weren't expecting to have to explain things to me more than they would for some other kids. I've gotten more than one opinion on how my health is being treated. I've seen so many doctors, it's ridiculous.

Just because I'm not vegan, or because I'm not on 100% organic foods, or because I'm not doing cleanses, etc.. Those aren't the reasons I got to be overweight, nor are they the reasons I'm not losing weight as fast as I'd like to be.

It's just how my body works. Have I tried extreme diets before? Are you kidding me? I've tried everything. Cutting out all processed foods, eating ONLY fruits & vegetables, I did try one or two cleanses before, I got as far as literally starving myself and only eating a small handful of baby carrots & half a banana every day... and I only ate those so I could continue taking medications without my blood sugar dropping and making me sick. I've been on medications, there was a period where I was off medications and my weight skyrocketed.

Diet isn't the only factor. Medications aren't the only factor. Exercise isn't the only factor. There are so many people who see things on different doctor related freaking television shows, that think they know everything... If that works for you, then great. That's fantastic, and I'm happy for you. And I hope maybe one day these extremely un-educated people will educate themselves and realize there is more than 1 way to go about everything. Including weight loss and treating metabolic conditions.

Every one's body is different.. Some people like to claim every one's body was created and works exactly the same, and if everyone did just *this this this this and this* everyone would be perfectly healthy and never get cancer and never develop diabetes and wouldn't be at risk for Alzheimer's and everyone would fucking live forever... And that just isn't the case.

If you're trying to lose weight, don't let anyone peg you into doing what they think is best. You need to figure it out for yourself. Get more than one opinion, and try more than one thing. Don't get discouraged. Eventually you will find what works for you, and the results will prove themselves.

I'm trying to get more and more of those options, and different things to try, ways to go about it, etc.. On my blog, because so far I've only really posted what I've done and what works for me.. But I know from experience there are 100's of ways to go about it all, and what works for me doesn't work for everyone.. Like I've said before, people need to be aware of their options & make educated decisions for themselves.

I hope every one's having a great day. <3 I'll post again soon. (:
-Ashley

P90x? What?

So, I've always had an issue with exercise tapes/programs. It's been a love/hate relationship ever since I was a little kid.

As I've mentioned numerous times before, my weight problems started literally when I was 2 or 3 years old. Therefor, dieting and exercise started as soon as it could. I was in exercise programs starting at 5 years old, and I was doing Richard Simmons Sweatin' to the Oldies tapes for half an hour to an hour a day..

Eventually we found more kid-oriented exercise tapes, and I got into the video game DDR (Dance Dance Revolution) which worked pretty well, but I got burnt out pretty quickly and hated them. I always preferred doing my own routines for dancing or trying to convince my parents to get a gym membership, because i hated staring at a TV for an hour a day, because I knew it was exercise. It felt like exercise. I would go on walks/jogs to appease my parents just to shut my mom up so I didn't have to do an exercise tape.

Well... After years of just doing things like that, obviously I'm not seeing many results.. I want to build muscle and lose weight quicker than I have been. So, even though I swore to myself I'd never do an exercise program again, I've decided to try p90x.

Not meaning do it for one day then quit. I mean... I actually want to complete the program.

Programs like that that are made for 90 days seem easier to me, because there is a goal. You can cross every day off that you complete it, and feel accomplished. It doesn't feel like it'll go on forever.

I'm on my 5th day now... and I can tell you, I'm amazed I haven't stopped. I've made it through every one so far. (However, I have had some issues with Yoga.. because I have tendinitis in my wrists, it's hard to put a lot of pressure on them on the floor things... So I've been replacing the yoga with cardio, and anytime there is anything that hurts my wrists, I just jog in place until the next move/etc..)

I'm really proud of myself. I thought I was much more out of shape than this, but I guess not.

No, I didn't buy the program. I'm dirt poor. No money. I'm trying to save money for college. But I found a YouTube channel of a man who has done Insanity & P90x, and he posted all the videos online... And I also found the workout schedule online, so that's what I've been following.

Channel with the videos: http://www.youtube.com/user/butterbrown1961/videos?sort=da&view=0&flow=grid

Schedule: http://www.p90xworkoutschedule.org/ (I'm doing the Lean option)

I can tell you my muscles are all ridiculously sore, and even the workouts that aren't made for cardio get your heart rate (or at least mine) up to 180 or so for the solid hour (or however long) you're doing them, which is exactly what I need.

I emailed my dietitian, asking if I needed to up my calories (because the average burned during these workouts is 500-600 per workout).. and she said yes, to up them.. Have a protein shake or protein-rich smoothie every day with the workout... So I've started doing that (despite how much I hate protein powder) and that's that. I've been having one after every workout, and to get all the calories I need in I have to eat every 3 hours... but it's worth it. so worth it.

I haven't lost any weight yet while starting the program, and I know when I gain muscle even if I'm losing fat, my body may change even when my weight doesn't.. and I'm okay with that. I miss having all the muscle I used to have.

So... yeah. that's that. We'll see how this goes, and I'll keep everyone updated. (: I'm determined to stick to this...

Hope every one's having a great day, and I'll update soon! bye. <3

-Ashley

How to stay motivated!

I've been stuck at 195 since May... MAY. I actually gained 12 pounds during the summer, but then I lost it once my meds were adjusted.. And I was back to 195, where I have remained since. It's now the first week of November.

Obviously, I've been frustrated. I've amped up my exercise, upped my water intake, and I'm seeing if this will help. Also it's questionable if I'm eating enough. So I've been emailing back & forth with my dietitian, trying to sort this out.

For a few months I just completely gave up. I'm able to maintain perfectly fine. But losing is an issue. I figured okay I'm stuck here forever but... I actually saw a post on a website called Tumblr that I get on regularly, about diet/exercise/etc... Then I discovered an entirely different side of the website, full of blogs full of motivation tips and diet/exercise tips and all sorts of stuff... I typically just got on that website to 'fangirl' over bands and youtubers that I'm probably a little too obsessed with, and to find quotes and stuff I liked and artsy stuff... But this threw me for a whirlwind.

I came to the realization that I'm back at square one. This surgery had already done what it's going to do for me... It was a huge jump start.. Not just the surgery, because that alone I don't think did much for me (other than being a HUGE reality check & gave me a much higher pain tolerance).. I mean, of course it helps me restrict how much I"m eating but... Ask any one that has ever been in my life, my family, any doctor I've seen in the past... My diet was never my problem. --- But the doctors I've met because of the surgery, and the medications that have been (Finally) orchestrated correctly, the other patients I've met, everything... I've learned a lot. But I'm back to square one. The only difference between now and 2 years ago when I was incapable of losing weight? I've seen it happen. I've seen it work. I've seen that my body is capable of weight loss, with the right combination of everything.. (drugs, diet, exercise, fluids, etc..)

Something is missing right now.. I'm not sure what. I see my Endocrinologist on the 7th, then dietitian and other people eon the bariatric team on the 13th.. So maybe they'll have some answers for me seeing as I've been logging my food religiously. Maybe that's part of it... Maybe my meds need adjusted, who knows.

Anyways, the point of this post is how do I stay motivated? Honestly... It's hard. It really is. But I've found a few things that really help.

1. I created another blog. A second tumblr (separate from my first one, because they're completely different topics.) to find and share things I find on there.. Different exercise ideas, diets, motivation tips, etc... I love updating this website, but there isn't much interaction with anyone... Where on tumblr there is a ton of interaction.. Tons of people blogging about the same thing and supporting each other  I can't go to the support groups my surgeon has because they're always at a time when i never have a ride... my family doesn't quite understand what i'm going through, and neither do any of my friends.. So this has been great for me. And while on there, I've found a few other things to help motivate me.

2. Logging. If I stay accountable to myself, it helps me keep on track. I log everything on myfitnesspal.com -- i always have been on & off with it but lately I've been religious. Logging exercise, fluids, and food.

3. Pictures!!! The desktop background for my laptop is this picture:

This picture helps remind me that I'm capable of getting to my goal weight (140lbs).. That it may take awhile, but I eventually CAN get there.I'm really proud of what I've accomplished so far,... I like this feeling. I want it to continue. -- the picture on the left is the ONLY close to full body picture I have of myself from my highest weight.. I was so ashamed of my body... But I'm SO glad I have it to reference .. Honestly. whenever I feel like I'm not losing anything or that i haven't accomplished anything, I can just look at my leg in that picture, then my leg in the second picture.. There is absolutely no denying the difference. 

4. I have my resistance band, 3 pound weights, and tape measure all right next to my door on the shelf in my room. Every time I turn my head, stand up, or walk in or out of my room I see it and it's a constant reminder to work out..

5. The biggest motivator the past few weeks? I saw an idea for this on tumblr, and created one of my own...

This is all on the back of my bedroom door. Every. Pound. Counts. It's something I have to keep reminding myself... Every pound is a little achievement that I work my ass off to lose. I highlighted every 5 pounds and put a heart on every 10 pounds.. Because they're even bigger achievements. Inspirational quotes, reminding myself to take my medications, drink water, etc... All of it. Every time I see it it's bright and obnoxious on my door (seeing as the rest of my room is white/brown/black/tan colored) and stands out and I feel guilty if I don't do what I need to do each day.. -- The satisfaction of being able to cross off a pound, but a big black X over it and tell myself that I will never see it again is absolutely amazing, and it's something I work for. That feeling is indescribable.

*******
So yeah. That's about all I got. Do you have any other motivation tips you want to share? Let me know!!! (: -- Hope everyone is having a great day & I'll update once I see all these doctors and figure out what's going on.

~Ashley

Ps: If you want to visit the tumblr I mentioned above, it's www.ashley887.tumblr.com (:

Article on Insulin Resistance 2

http://jcem.endojournals.org/content/89/6/2526.full

I strongly suggest anyone interested in the topic of Insulin Resistance, whether it be you're recently diagnosed, your child or a family member has it, or you're just purely interested in learning about IR; checks out this article. It's absolutely amazing.

I (surprisingly) understand most of the medical terms used. If you don't, feel free to Google them. But in all honesty, although the article is extremely long, it's completely worth reading if you want to learn about the medical side of IR (aside from the fact that you need to diet and exercise to control it). There is a lot more to it that most people don't realize.

I've been on a research kick lately, and I'm really glad I came across this.

Let me know what you think?

Alright, have a good day. (:

-Ashley.

I don't have a clue what to title this.

I've been debating on uploading this post for a long time... But in the end, it comes down to being honest. This is what I'm going through. I don't want to seem negative or whiny. I just need to vent. and for people who come here for informational purposes, I share my story because I wanted to know what it would be like for me, before I got myself into it... there was absolutely nothing online from the patients perspective.. and so I created this website, hoping to help others.. I've gotten messages from other teenagers thanking me for this blog, and what not.. so I'm not going to mislead anyone by only telling the positive things. So I'm going to continue this post. ---

I've been slacking on updates here, for numerous reasons..

1. I've gained weight. I'm confused. I'm not happy. I'm hormonal 90% of the time. I don't want to say something I'll regret saying later.

2. I haven't had the motivation. I get lots of ideas for posts, but I just never follow through.

3. I've been going to my mom's a lot more lately, and her Internet connection is ridiculously slow.

4. I'm waiting on information back from a few different doctors on why I'm having so many issues.

5. I'm trying desperately to enjoy my summer, because I didn't get to the past 2 years. And blogging on here makes it hard, because it reminds me of the negative stuff in my life right now.. Which I'm trying to spend the least amount of time possible, focusing on.

----------------------

So that's where I'm at. Let me elaborate...

At my appointment in May with my bariatric team, I was down to 197lbs. And I was super excited. I had broken the 200 mark. a huge goal for me. I was eating in between 600 & 800 calories a day. Exercising about an hour a day, getting 60+fl oz of sugar free fluids a day. and doing great.

I emailed my dietitian asking her how many calories I was supposed to be getting in a day, at 10 months out. Because I wasn't losing as quickly as they said I should be. so I wondered if maybe i wasn't eating enough, because I had that problem before. She said in between 1,000 & 1,200. So, I attempted to up my calories. I'm still barely averaging 1,000. It's hard! I have to remind myself to eat.. but I try to get enough in.

WELL. My endocrinologist upped my Metformin, from 500 2x a day to 850 2x a day, because my insulin levels were still really high. Then after about a week of that, I was having serious nausea.. and couldn't get ahold of anyone for whatever reason. So I just quit taking it. Stupid decision, I know. very stupid. Whether it was due to the metformin, or if it was just a stomach bug, i don't know. But it stopped after i quit taking it.

And that same week, I ran out of the birth control I was on (which wasn't strong enough anyway, breakthrough bleeding.) so I was off that too, no refills.

What some people don't understand is, i see SO many doctors. I have my endocrinologist, I have the nurse practitioner & dietitian tied in with the bariatric surgery, then I have my family doctor. And they don't communicate. Everyone has different ideas on what should be happening on me, and different confusion on why their expectations aren't happening. So I'm in the middle of it all, and it's extremely frustrating. I don't know who to listen to or what to do.

Sure enough, I gained 10 pounds. In literally 3 weeks.

the people tied in with bariatric surgery seem to think i don't even really need the metformin, or that i wont for very long.. BUT LOOK WHAT HAPPENS WHEN I'M OFF OF IT.

Ugh...

So after lots of blood work was done by my endocrinologist, and it was determined that all of my blood work isn't any different than it was before, she thought maybe we just titrated too fast or something... and put me on 250 2x a day of metformin.. then 2 weeks later back on 500 2x a day.. and ordered in a new prescription for a stronger birth control.. which i was supposed to get the other day! but turns out, she ordered one that isn't even made anymore.... so I'm still on no birth control..

my mom is playing phone tag with the office trying to get ahold of her to figure out whats going on, and to ask her to order in one that is still made..?

In the mean time, I'm still exercising an hour a day. only getting in probably 800-900 calories a day, if that. I"m really moody and frustrated.

I have other teenagers that had surgery, added on facebook. And a few of them had surgery in the past 2 months.. and I'm just seeing their progress. and I'm happy for them.. but it also makes me.. mad at myself? because i didn't do as well as they are!

I mean recovery wise, i did better. but weight loss wise... One girl has already lost more than I have total, in less than 2 months. She started at a higher weight/bmi than i did.. but still.. it's disheartening.

I don't know what's wrong with me. All of these other people are off of their medications, and losing more. where I'm still on my meds, and not losing at all, and actually gaining.

they're eating more less-healthy things (I saw one girl talking about how she was eating burger king and ramen noodles), and still losing... (WTF?!), where I'm gaining.

Why am I so different?

--------------------------

My theory? Honestly? When I told the doctors at the bariatric center that my problem was not eating enough.. and that I had been dealing with this my entire life... That I never really ate poorly (obviously on occasion at holidays, but on a regular basis i followed strict diets).. I don't think they believed me.

Then they put me under the impression it would be a cure-all. That I would get off my medications, and because I could only eat so much volume-wise that I'd be okay if i followed a relatively healthy diet.

But that's just it... The restriction didn't change anything. Because I didn't eat enough in the first place. I had actually been diagnosed with an eating disorder (EDNOS) 1 year prior. But My entire life, i was on diets and exercise regimens.. I reinterate this ALL the time. But no one seems to believe me. Of course I slipped up sometimes, and resented it for awhile but.. all in all... I did as well as anyone can expect a kid to do, at 6, 7, 8, 9, 10 years old, etc...

At my last appointment someone (I forget who or what title they were specifically) said I'd be able to get off of metformin... I wouldn't be on it forever.

But look at this. I've been on it since i was 7 years old. and I clearly still need it.

Nothings really changing.

I was under the impression things would change, but they aren't. for me, anyway.

All of these other people I see, who haven't had the same issues I've had since they were babies, that had surgery, are doing fantastic, and all of it is  working for them, but not me.

I literally have sat here and cried a few times, wondering why it's different for me. Why me. But then I realize I can't change it. and all I can do is do my est. Keep doing what I'm doing, and pray someone figures something out...

Honestly, one day I caught myself looking at pro-anorexica sites. which I've never done. I was just curious.. I saw these diets members had shared with each other... super low calorie and what not.. one diet was like "600 calories  a day" and it gave ideas on things and what not.. obviously it wasn't high in protein or whatever like my diet but.... I FREAKING EAT AROUND 600 CALORIES A DAY. these girls are skin and bones. and I'm still freaking obese after having my stomach cut out.

 I don't know. I don't know what to think. I'm extremely frustrated. This is the ONLY website online, for teenage bariatric surgery. I'm the only person out of a group of 30 or so people, that I know has had this issue.. (that I'm aware of. I haven't talked to absolutely everyone. but no one else has ever voiced their thoughts on this issue, either.)

So maybe it's just me. and I definitely DON'T want to persuade someone to not look into surgery, because they think it wont work for them. The only way to know is to talk to your doctor.

My advice, if you're looking into surgery right now? If restriction really isn't your problem.. If you have absolutely no problem with cheating on diets, and you exercise, and you're still not losing weight.. There may be something else going on.. that cutting out your stomach wont fix.

Maybe it'd be different with a mal-absorption procedure like RNY or DS... but, I had the VSG.. which doesn't have an intestinal component.. and this is where I'm at. what I'm dealing with.

Am I the only one dealing with this? Please for the love of god, if someone is reading this and has been through this, adult or teenager, please contact me on facebook or comment on here or email me or something... I would do just about anything to know I'm not the only defected human being with this issue.


I don't know. I Just don't know. I know I've said that like 20 times already, but I don't. It's honestly miserable. It's depressing. I had all these hopes that people instilled in me, that i saw in other patients.. and it's all come crashing down.

Obviously, I know I made a mistake by stopping the Metformin for 2 weeks. But good god. One doctor had told me I shouldn't even be on it. I wasn't 100% sure it would be that big of an issue.. but clearly it was.

I want the truth. I want to know what the hell is going on with my body. I want to know why things aren't working for me, the way they're working for other people.

I want to know why I'm becoming hypoglycemic. Literally as I was typing this, i was getting shaky. sure enough, my blood sugar was low. I just went and ate 2 slices of deli turkey, and a piece of string cheese and a few wheat saltine crackers, and I'm okay now.. but god.. I want to know why one doctor says i need metformin, but another says i don't.. I want to know why I"m eating less than most people, but still gaining weight. I don't understand it! I want answers!!

I"m like a minority, within a minority, within a minority.. By that I mean. I'm an obese teenager with serious heath issues that contribute. (1st minority) and within that, I had weight loss surgery, (2nd minority). then I'm having issues with the weight loss surgery. I"m not losing. (which would be the 3rd minority).

Ugh...

I'm at like 205 pounds now. eating about 700-800 calories a day. I can't physically eat more than that, without turning to junk like ice cream and cookies and stuff... Which I don't even really like! I don't have a sweet tooth. at all. So it's really hard to get in as many calories that my dietitian says I should be getting. I'm exercising an hour a day. resistance/weights & aerobics/cardio. getting enough fluids & protein. but nothings budging.

When I get some answers (If i get some answers) I'll get back to you all. I see the bariatric team again on August 9th. so maybe they'll have some suggestions. And I also see my endocrinologist on August 1st.. so maybe she will too.

But untill then, I feel uncomfortable blogging about surgical related things, because I'm not successful right now. And I don't want to lead anyone down the wrong path, by claiming otherwise. So I'll continue blogging, just more about the metabolic stuff (which is an area I've been slacking in, anyway.. this blog isn't just surgical. its about Insulin Resistance, Diabetes, thyroid issues, hormonal stuff, etc... as well. Anything that would die under the umbrella of "Metabolic Syndrome".).. not the surgical.

So. That's where I'm at right now. I'm going to end this here, and go to sleep.. Then probably go to the pool tomorrow, and just try to block this massive feeling of failure out of my head, until I can come up with something or a doctor can come up with something that will fix this. It's all I can do.

Seriously.. If you're a teenager that is actually reading this.. contact me on facebook or email me or something.. I'd love to know if someone is actually getting something from any of this. If you're a medical professional that is reading this, or someone with any knowledge on any topic that I cover here, and have ANY idea whatsoever of what could be going on with me that I could ask one of my doctors about, please let me know. I want to talk to people educated on the topic.. or that are going through what i am, or something similar. A support system is something that I'm lacking.

I hope you're having a good day (or at least a better one than I'm having) and I'll touch base, soon!

-Ashley

Exersize Regimen as of 6-26-2012 (10month post-op)

Exercise is a huge part before/after surgery. I suggest you get into a decent exercise regimen before surgery, even if it's just walking. I've always been a really active person... I played lots of sports, did dance, swimming, etc.. And I have no doubt that is partially why recovery from surgery was so easy for me. In the months leading up to surgery, mostly I just walked and swam. I did a little big of strength training, but not much. I never really enjoyed exercising. Swimming I loved, and still love, because you don't really feel like you're exercising. Growing up I was forced to do Richard Simmons exercise tapes.. At 7 years old. I resented my mother so much for it. And jogging and all that.. Aside from how active i was in dance/sports. Because That was stop/start a lot of the time. & I had to do an hour solid aerobics 5-6 days a week.. Which I know helped me. And I thank her for that. But still. It wasn't fun. -- But. again, I think it's what's made it easier for me now.

Now I actually enjoy exercise. Because I've seen results for the first time in my life, because of the surgery.. I have more hope in other things working.

So now about 10 months out from surgery, I have no restrictions, this is what I do:

2 days a week I go to the pool. I do swimming for half an hour to an hour, depending on how crowded it is. It's usually a mix of laps, and leisurely swimming. It's far too crowded to do laps for the entire time period. Haha.

3-4 days a week (not on the days I go swimming) I'll stretch, and then do a cardio workout... for 20-30 minutes. Recently I actually looked up cardio exercise routines on YouTube. I don't own any DVDs anymore. And I found this one: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jAuwO0vxwck&list=FLRXPpD3SipXQ1tt6A9pEkyw&index=9&feature=plpp_video which is what I've been doing lately. It's way too hot/humid to go outside to jog. I reserve that for spring/fall when it's weather permitting. Haha. But yeah. After I do the 20-30 minutes of cardio, I'll add in some palates.. Just simple things that I got out of magazines, that I do with a resistance band.. Along 2 reps of 10 push ups, squats, and sit ups. and 2 reps of 20 bicep curls, with 3lb weights..

During the Cardio, for half the time I also hold the 3lb weights. I'm really determined to get my arms back... Haha.

On the 1-2 days I don't do cardio/aerobics I just do the strength training. I use the resistance band in almost every way possible. Google exercises you can do with it. It really helps tone muscle. then I use the 3lb weights a few different ways.

Of course, occasionally I miss a day or two when I'm sick, or go to concerts.. (I have a few days coming up this summer where I know I'll miss it due to festivals, all-day concerts, etc...which will involve a lot of walking.. all day.. so I'll still be getting exercise) But other than that, I'm pretty obsessive about it.

So yeah. That's what I do. In August, I'm actually supposed to meet with a personal trainer for free through my program.. To learn more things I can do at home, etc.. So that will be good. (:

Sorry I haven't been updating as much lately. It's summer. My schedule is extremely off. and I don't have proper motivation for very much, other than trying to enjoy it. The past few summers have been miserable for me. So I'm trying to make the most of this one. (:

Feel free to contact me if you ever have any questions, or just want to talk! I'd love to know if anyone actually reads this blog and/or gets anything out of it. I'd like to meet other people that are in similar situations that I'm in. I've met some of my best real-life friends, online. I love the Internet...

Have a great day!

-Ashley.

PS: on a side note, my moms iPhone crashed. I had to back all of her pictures up to my computer, so I found lots of pictures, obviously... Personally, I can't see any weight loss. I'm having serious medication issues, and I haven't lost any weight in months. I actually gained 3 pounds. But I'm trying to stay optimistic. but when I look at these pictures I can see a difference for the first time.. So I'm happy. (:

Mid-December 2011, we went out to eat for my moms birthday... I was probably around 225lbs then..?

This was like 2 weeks ago at my brothers baseball game.. (I have 3 brothers.. this is the youngest and only healthy one, Nolan. Shh Don't tell the others, but he's my favorite. [;. ) All the weight I've lost, I've lost in my legs and chest.. I've gone down from a 26 to a 17/18 in pants, and from a 46DDD to a 42C in bras.. But I still have a ton of weight in my stomach, face, and upper arms I need to lose.. But i can see it in this picture for some reason.. Maybe it's because that shirt fits me, it's a little snug, but it was the only size they had, and it's a medium? or because I was actually able to buy those shorts in the juniors section at walmart..? or because bracelets fit my wrists now..? and all of those components are in this picture? I don't know why. But I can see it now for the first time. So I'm a very happy person. (:

Finding the discipline.

http://www.obesityhelp.com/forums/VSG/4522143/Finding-the-discipline/#37450162

This is a thread someone started on www.obesityhelp.com, a website I've used a lot over the past year-year 1/2.. I joined it before I ever even mentioned surgery to my parents for the first time.

The question was "How do you find the discipline to do what you need to do when I never had the discipline to do it in the first place ??? You know losing weight, exercising, etc.....how do you find it AFTER surgery???"

You can read my response to it on that thread. Everyone should be able to view it, with or without an account.

But-- I wanted to talk about this for a minute.

How do YOU specifically find the motivation/determination to keep going? To make lifestyle changes? With or without changes? If you have already, what helped you make those changes? If you haven't, what are you waiting for? What do you think it will take? Do you not know?

Personally, I've dealt with this my whole life.. But I don't think I really started to take it seriously, until I started having serious issues.. I couldn't bathe without feeling like my heart was going to beat through my chest and I was going to pass out.. i would have to stop my shower and sit down on the side of the bath tub or the toilet seat for a few minutes to cool off and rest before I continued.. No one really saw that side of it.. I hid it pretty well.. But I would get claustrophobic really easily.. I would have to leave concerts early.. I had no control over my body.. I wasn't on the right medications and I didn't have the right doctors on my side for the longest time...

My mom is an RN (Registered Nurse.) ... She was basically out of my life for about 3 months, in 2010. From the end of August to the end of October I didn't see her once.. When she came back and saw how much my body had changed in just that short amount of time she spoke to a doctor friend of hers.. Who gave her a list of things to research.. She gave the list to me and I researched.. On that list was "Polycysitic Ovarian Syndrome" "Hypothyroidism" and "Cushings Disease/Syndrome." .... I looked them all up.. and I had never been to an Endocrinologist. It's always been GI doctors that worked with me.. 

Well I saw a Gynecologist who diagnosed me with PCOS and put me on the pill.. And it was in this time I started researching weight loss surgery..

Then I saw a Endocrinologist.. He tested me for Cushings and Hypothyroidism.. Sure enough, Hypothyroidism. No cushings. That is extremely rare, especially in children/adolescents.. But I was tested. and I still had Insulin Resistance. Well I went to a different Endocrine.. And found out I was full blown Type 2 diabetic... And basically the health I was at.. I was told I'd be lucky to make it to 35.. part of my heart was already enlarged and clearly I was never able to lose weight before.. Only maintain, and gain.. What was going to change this time?

It was right then and there I knew surgery needed to be discussed.. I had brought it up with a family doctor once.. Who didn't support the idea. but the endocrinologist even brought it up without me saying anything, and sent a referral that day to Cincinnati Children's Hospital Medical Center.

I knew this was my last shot. And I was going to make it work. I finally had the right doctors, the right diagnosis', the right medications... and I was having WLS. a tool to help me lose and keep the weight off... I don't want to die before I'm 35. And I don't want to die the same way i watched my grandmother die, when I was 12 years old. Heart Disease, Cardiomyopothy, Type 2 Diabetes, Hypothyroidism, Hypertension, PCOS, already had a kidney removed, on dialysis, etc.... The list never ended. And i was already headed down that road at 15...

A death sentence was the reality check I needed to get my life in order... and it worked.

I'm still in the losing phase. But I'm healthier than I've been in a long time. I'm at a lower weight than I was 2 1/2-3 years ago..  And I'm feeling so much better... I can shower no problem. I jogged a mile the other day.. Something I haven't done (even just walking..) since I was 13...It's insane,.. and I know I made the right decision. (Again, you can read more on the thread I posted above.)

But my question is.. Even without surgery, why does it take people (myself included) so long to make lifestyle changes? even people who don't have the genetic component.. people who may not even have any medical problem... Eating healthy and exercise is good for everyone. Why are people so.. stuck in their ways? Why is everyone so afraid of change?

Why do things have to be this way? Why cant an entire family make changes to better themselves, instead of just one person? I know the answer to this. In my opinion anyway. I have my thoughts on all of these questions. But I'm keeping them to myself. These are just a few of my thoughts, to get your mind going.. It's really something to think about and consider before looking into WLS.. or even starting a new diet, or seeing a new doctor.. Nothing will work if you don't have enough motivation/determination.

I could go into the whole food can be a real addiction discussion.. or people are raised a certain way.. you can't teach an old dog new tricks, whatever.... But really.. with enough determination, I'd like to think anything can be done..

Now people just need to find the discipline/determination/motivation/inspiration to accomplish what they want/need to accomplish. What will it take to do that or get to that point?



Have a great day. <3
-Ashley
www.facebook.com/justashley1637
ashleyellen1637@aol.com