What is today, but yesterday's tomorrow?

I need to get out of the mindset that small choices/mistakes/decisions don't matter, because they do.

Sure, if you miss taking  a medication every once in awhile, or cheat on your diet and get ice cream occasionally, or something along those lines... That's relatively normal and as long as it's an occasional/accidental thing it's fine. But there are times I'll realize it's midnight, and I haven't taken my Metformin yet... even though I know I should, and I could without an issue seeing as I'd probably be awake for another hour or two and taking it a few hours off schedule is better than not taking it at all, I don't. I'll tell myself that it's too late, and I'll start up taking it regularly again the next day and that one missed dose won't kill me... And maybe it won't kill me, but it certainly hurts me. Because then I get into the habit if not taking it, and then when I do get back on it again the side effects take a few weeks to go away and it's discouraging.

Same applies to my low-carb diet. There are times I'm amazing with it, and other times where I'm like "Screw it, having a sandwich won't affect it.." but my body is really sensitive to carbs, and deep down I know the bread will. I guess I just am always hoping that suddenly things will be okay on their own, without medication, without excessive diet changes... but that's not going to happen. So yeah. I do need to pay attention to these decisions that I'm consciously making and just neglecting to acknowledge.

I became aware of this the other day. I spent like all day with my brother and mom at the Verizon store getting our phones upgraded (iPhone 6! Wooh!) but none of us had eaten much that day since we got up and basically went straight to the store, and my brother really wanted to go to waffle house... so we did. I actually hadn't been there since I was like 8 so I didn't know what they had (other than waffles, obviously.) But I almost ordered eggs and hash browns, or an egg and bacon sandwich, or something along those lines.. potatoes and bread are a no-go for me. And i realized i was trying to justify it to myself by saying that I had messed up the day before, and hadn't eaten anything that day already so TECHNICALLY if i only ate half the sandwich my carbs would still be under however many a day, or that I could eat whatever and just "start back up again tomorrow."

"Start back up again tomorrow." seems to be a pretty common phrase in my inner dialogue, here.

The problem with that is, that there's nothing to stop you from continuing to say that phrase. Once you get into a cycle of saying that to yourself there is no going back.

I would like to point out that I ended up getting a grilled chicken salad which was actually really good. (I've always been a fan of salads. I get them all the time. I'm not entirely sure why I was even leaning towards the sandwich or the hash browns in the first place? Subconsciously wanting what you know you can't/shouldn't have? Who knows.) But that's only because I had become increasingly aware over the past couple weeks that I was playing this mind-game with myself to somehow justify stupid decisions I knew I was making.

Same thing with my medications happened this morning. I woke up to get my brothers off to school at 7.. but then went back to bed and didn't really get up and consider myself "awake" until about 11. I figured it was almost lunch time, I'm supposed to take Metformin with breakfast, maybe I should just wait till dinner-- but I caught myself. I knew I'd be up till after midnight. There was absolutely no reason why I couldn't take it with my breakfast that I had at 11, and then again at 11 tonight with my "fourth meal" so to speak, since my schedule is later and I have to eat more frequently because of the size of my stomach to get enough food in, regardless of what diet I'm on. So I took it. I didn't like it, but I took it. And I felt better after I did.

There was a quote that stuck with me from Spongebob Squarepants, of all places. The dialogue was something along these lines:

Squidward: Why do today what you can put off until tomorrow?
Mr. Krabs: What is today, but yesterdays tomorrow?

Obviously that's referring to work procrastination and tasks you need to get done and what not, but that also applies with what I'm dealing with here. I'm an awful procrastinator, and that's running over into my health too. I need to stop letting it.

It's something I think I've always known. Most of my life it was just second nature to make the right choice as far as food goes, and to take my medication because I had other people dictating it for me. I had parents who were relentless with having me take my blood sugar and take my Metformin when I was 8 years old. I need to be relentless with myself now. I don't know why I've suddenly stopped caring as much as I did even when I was 16/17. Maybe I'm just being really discouraged from this weight gain lately and I'm feeling like giving up, like what's the point.

Side note: I have awful anxiety issues. I went to psychologists and psychiatrists for years when I was younger and they only addressed what they thought was my depression. They did diagnose me with generalized anxiety disorder, but they never did anything to help me treat it. I don't think I was ever depressed back in middle/high school. I think I was just so anxious that it was easier to shut down and not think about doing anything... which resulted in me doing nothing, which is why it gave off the impression that I was depressed... but I'm not a psychologist, obviously, I don't know their specific diagnosis criteria. I'm just saying that I'm a ridiculously anxious person and I have a habit of shutting down as opposed to over-thinking everything because there is no middle ground with me. I either shut down and pretend something doesn't exist, or i over-think and over-analyze every possible detail and scenario until it drives me insane. So to act like that doesn't play a part in this would be stupid. It definitely does, I'm just not sure what or how and I get irritated with any doctor that I've tried to talk to about it in recent years so I'm having trouble getting to the bottom of it. 

Bottom line is... I'm working on consciously making these decisions, things I've always done that have just been harder to do in the past year or so... I'm trying to stop justifying things that have no justification, things that I'm fully aware are going to hurt me in the long run. Taking my medication every day no matter how much I hate doing it as often as I have to, not "taking a bite" of one of my brothers snacks or meals that don't fit my diet plan... That one bite, or that one missed pill... Whatever I think it offers me in the short term is nothing compared to what doing the opposite will offer me in the long term, and I need to keep that in mind.

***

I hope you all are having a good day, and I'll be sure to check back in soon!

-Ashley<3(:

Today is National Self Harm Awareness Day.

I just want to talk about this for a few minutes... I'm not sure where to begin.

People have their own reasons to be upset... Everyone has reasons. Their significance to anyone else is irrelevant. All that matters ishow it makes them feel. That could be something like breaking up with your girlfriend/boyfriend, or something like your grandmother just died of cancer... Either way, depending on the person, it could seem like the end of the world. You never know what is just enough to push someone over the edge.. You never know what reasoning someone may come up with to defend their actions or how they deal with grief or depression..

The mind is a really powerful thing... Ever heard of the phrase "Mind over matter"..? or "Psychosomatic"..?  basically meaning.. your mind controlls all. It can even create physical symptoms to show something, that physically doesn't exist..  Example: a woman who really wants to have a baby, can eventuallyd evlope symptoms of a baby.. morning sickness, bloating, a hard stomach, even to the point of feeling little kicks... and doctors cuold believe it is that she's pregnant.. untill they do an ultrasound, and there is no baby there.

Mental illnesses, are real illnesses. Depression, Anxiety, Bipolar Disorder, Skitzophrenia, Anorexica, Bullimia, and anything inbetween.. And no matter the persons past, present, or the unknown future.. a person can develop feelings of hopelessness, helplesness, apathy, depression, anxiousness, anything.. and then it just goes from there...

Now, obviously not everyone has a diagnosis that needs treatment.. But if itgoes on too long? It definatley can progressivley get worse..

What does this have to do with my blog?

It all ties in together... Kids and Teenagers aren't immune to this... Have you seen the news lately? There are shootings. Kids who get bullied, shooting the people who bullied them.. It is a SERIOUS issue, that really needs tobe addressed..

This could have absolutely nothing to do with bullying. It could have absolutely nothing to do with anything, and the person just lacks endorphins. or 'happy chemicals'...

People need to be more understanding... Look at this: http://news.yahoo.com/disneys-epcot-retooling-childhood-obesity-exhibit-critics-insensitive-190811575.html 

"ORLANDO, Fla. - Walt Disney World is retooling an Epcot exhibit on childhood obesity after critics complained it was insensitive to obese kids and reinforced stereotypes.

The interactive exhibit, Habit Heroes, featured animated fitness superheros Will Power and Callie Stenics and super-sized villains Snacker and Lead Bottom, who eat junk food and watch too much television. Critics said the exhibit reinforces stereotypes that obese children are lazy and have poor eating habits.

Doctors say obesity can sometimes be attributed to genetics and certain medications, and food can be used as a coping mechanism.

"We're appalled to learn that Disney, a traditional hallmark of childhood happiness and joy, has fallen under the shadow of negativity and discrimination," the National Association to Advance Fat Acceptance said in a statement.

"I was really disturbed to see the most negative habits were attached to really fat bodies," Peggy Howell, a spokeswoman for the group, said after viewing a companion website. "These pictures further the stigma against people of higher body weight." ------

This is absolutely appauling to me...  I applaud the doctors who stepped up and enlightened these ignorant people, with the knowledge that they have.

Eating disorders don't only affect skinny people. Depression doesn't only affect people who wear dark clothes and makeup. Anxiety doesn't only affect the kids who sit in the corner of the class room alone. Skitzophrenia doesn't only affect the people that are fascinated with art and zone out a lot.. People who self harm don't always wear tons of bracelets and long sleeves.. They don't always want attention. People battling bipolar, you don't always see the mood swings.. --- none of that means the people have it either! there are people who are skinny that arent anroexic, there are people who wear dark clothes that arent depressed. There are kids who sit alone int he corner who don't have anxiety issues, and there are people who are really into art and zone out a lot, that don't have skitzophrenia.

You can NEVER know a persons story... ever!

Would you guess by looking at me that I battled depression and anxiety, I cut myself, and starved myself? Most likely not.. Yes. I wear dark clothes a lot of the time and sit alone a lot of the time... but i'm also overweight and typically  back when i did harm myself, i hid it pretty well.. it wasn't obvious i was trying to hide anything.

I'm ten months self harm free, now. I havent skipped a meal (on purpous) since before I started planning to have weight loss surgery... I have been off of anti depressants since August, and I still have some issues with Anxiety.... But not nearly as bad as it was... I don't think that will ever completely go away, though.

Some peopel assume because I don't have a good relationship with my mother, and whenever it's brought up i get super quiet and zone out a little, that i'm really depressed.. When I don't feel that I am. Everyone has off days.. mine just happen to happen when i'm in nerve-wracking situations... Where it makes me look bad.

Other than those days? I'm doing absolutely fantastic.. I'm getting out more. I went toget information on registering for classes at a community college yesteryda, and i'm gonig to drivers ed... I'm looking for a job, volunteering, blogging, getting out more... After four years of being ridiculously depressed and feelign helpless... Isuddenly don't feel helpless anymore... What do I contribute that to?

Things are getting better: Family issues that have presented themselves inthe past are (slowly) working their way over... things will never be what they were.. but they're easier to deal with now..

I don't feel sick... When I had my bmi closer to 50... I would get panic attacks even just taking a shower.. Because I felt so confined in my own skin.. I took u pso much space and i would just freak out and get sick... feeling like I was going to pass out.. my blood pressure and blood sugars were all messed up... and now since i've lost weight? my bmi is closer to 35? i don't feel that way anymore.. my blood pressure and blood sugars are normal.. I don't feel claustraphobic anymore..

Witht he weight loss, you lose fat.. fat holds extra hormognes that can really mess with your head... losing that i'm assuming has a lot to do with it..

I stopped cutting myself when I started going to doctors about weight loss surgery.. I knew i wouldn't be approved, if they saw cuts on my arm.. I remember one of the first consultations i went to, i had makeup and bracelets on my wrist.. desperate for no one to see it.. I remeber the last time I did.. it was like a week  before my initial consultation.. after that went well... and I found out insurance aws going along with everything... I saw hope... Nothing was going to be able to fix my familys problems... but if i could get healthier? lose weight? something i have never been able to do? i wanted to take advantage of it... So on the 27th on february, i was officially 10 months SH free... and I now have a tattoo covering where i harmed myself... of a quotei have always believed in.

I stopped starving myself, when I realized I was only gaining weight.. I was goinginto staravation mode, and my body didn't lose anything.. it retained everything.. I got to my highest weight ever (285lbs) that way... i lost it pretty quickly, when doctors ajusted my meds and i started eating smaller meals more frequently... before I went to look into WLS.... My reasoning behind the starving myself was a last resort.. i was tired of diets not working and exersize failing... i thought maybe it'd work... it just made everything worse...

I've learned a lot over the past few years... I've been to a lot of counselors and psychiatrists.. I've been to schools, speccifically for people with mental illnesses.. (everything from skitzophrenia to autism..) and met a lot of those people.. talked tothem.. But why do those schools exist? Because regular schools arent equiped to deal with it.. as sad asthat is.. so theyd ecide to make the kids feel more like outsiders, by creating extra 'special' schools for us to go to.

You don't know a person just by looking at them. You don't know what they're battling. How they're feeling.. anything about them, really. unless they decide to open up to you.. you will never know.

Today is alsso Justin biebers 18th birthday.. its sad that that is getting more attention than self harm aawareness. You can see what society prioritizes, right?

*sigh*

Bullying shouldn't happen. Schools should educate themselves on how to deal with peopel with mental illnesses, rather than making the children feel even more like outsiders..

Self harm isn't a joke. Its serious. Some of the people who seem the happiest to you, could be fighting this. Depression isn't a joke. Anxiety isn't a joke. no mental illness is a joke. they are all real illnesses, and if you think otherwise, you are ignorant..

Instead of building EXHIBITS focusing on stereotypes of childhood obesity, disney should put the money towards educating about childhood obesity and not just the lifestyle factors.. what the genecits role plays in it all, and medications, and coping mechanisms... Same goes for everything else.. Education is the only cure for ignorance.

I'm not saying that in a negative way.. Its the truth. Education is the only way to get through to people..

Educate yourselves, so youcan look out for the people you love and care about. And if peopel were smart, there wouldn't just be one day for heart disease, one day for veterans day, one day for breast cacner, one day for self harm awareness..

Spreading awareness for things you are passionate about, should be daily. Not just once a year when all the attention is drawn to it on social networking sites. Or else people will never get the message.

Get the picture?

Let your loved ones know you love them. Life is too short.

Note to anyone battling any form of mental illness:  It gets better.. If i've been able to overcome what I have, you can too. Anyone can. You  just need to find the right motivation.. Everything will work itself out eventually.. I believe everything happens for a reason.. Although we may never know what that reason may be.. I believe it's there. I know it's hard to live life with no regrets, but it can't hurt to try.. Because the past isthe past, and you can't change it. but you're in controll of your own future. Find motivation. Wether it be art, or you want to continue fighting it all because you want to have a family one ady and make sure the children never have to go through what you do... because you want to be there for your little siblings... because you have goals you want to accomnplish... you want to help other people, you want to be a musician, a writer... you want to create your own business one day.. think about your dreams and what you wuold accomplish if you knew you couldn't fail.. and focus on that.. let that be your motivation... nothing is impossible. andnothing is 100%guaranteed. Don't wasite your life being depressed. create memories for yourself that you'll be able to look back on and smile at. It's worth it, I promise.

Have a Great day. <3

-Ashley
www.twitter.com/justashley1637