Live life to the fullest.

I've used this summer to really get myself on track.. With doctors and exercise and what not.. I'm still having extremely slow weight loss.. But you know what? I'm tired of my life revolving around my weight. It always has. Ever since I was 2-3 years old. My weight doesn't define me. Or it shouldn't, anyway. Some people like to make it seem like it does but.. It doesn't.

I've realized that when making such a huge life change, whether it be surgery or other health issues or even not health related.. a break up/divorce, moving, switching schools, anything.. It's really important to take care of yourself.. Not just eating right and exercising.

Along this journey I've met a lot of people that I probably would have never met, otherwise. Not just people from a support group or certain doctors.. But real friends. I've always had issues making friends.. But when I became confident in my doctors helping me get healthy, I became more confident in myself.. I've found myself doing things I never thought I'd do before.. Or things I wanted to do, but couldn't.

I lost a lot of friends over this journey.. But I've gained so many more, and they don't even realize that most my life has revolved around this kind of stuff.. They take me at face value. For me.

It's an amazing feeling.

Not just that, but I've started taking better care of myself.. I've always had social anxiety issues. But I've been applying for jobs, doing volunteer work, and all sorts of stuff...I would always sleep in the living room on the couch because I felt claustrophobic in my room. I had no motivation to clean it, ever. You couldn't walk 2 feet into it without tripping and risking death.. I cleaned it. I have a bed in there now (I didn't before.. my friend had broke it and i never put a new one in.)

I don't live on the computer anymore. I've been lazy and put off getting my license, but I'm almost finished with drivers ed. (:

It's just.. It's an overall positive thing, and I want everyone to experience it. It's an amazing thing.

No matter what big change you're going through, whether it be surgery/health stuff like mine, or a divorce/breakup, or switching schools.. or anything.. Remember to take care of yourself. If you get yourself stuck in a rut, you can get yourself out.

I've quit spending money on clothes. It's not worth it. I wear baggy clothes, and I go to concerts. I enjoy creating memories for myself because I blocked so much of my life out.. I call up old friends, go to an arcade.. go on a late night run to Sonic just to catch up with someone.. This is the first real summer I think I've ever had... That wasn't revolved around my health,.. or where I wasn't too depressed to leave the house.

There's so much more... Just.. I had an amazing summer. It was the first time I've really had to take care of myself and just have a good time. If you don't find things to make yourself happy, you won't be happy. Do things you enjoy. Life is short!

I guess the point of this is.... I'm healthier. I'm still in the process of losing weight but... To be honest..? I've only weighed myself maybe 3 or 4 times this summer, vs every week.. My weight doesn't define me and my life doesn't revolve around it. Of course it's still a huge goal of mine to continue losing weight, but there is more to my life than just that. My quality of life is so much better.. not only did I take it into my own hands to get physically healthier by having this surgery.. But I took it into my own hands to not be a hermit. To not hide in my room anymore. To enjoy life. I'm tired of wasting time.

It's an extremely empowering feeling knowing that you've done so much for yourself.. That you've changed so much.. When you realize how far you've come..

No matter what change you're dealing with in your life, remember to take care of yourself.. and make yourself happy. This is the only life you get. Make the most of it.

Have a great day!!

-Ashley.

Here are some pictures from my summer, things I've done.. Things I'll never forget. (Warning: Lots of pictures.. Making this post a lot longer than necessary.)

bowling. (:

 

Went to the pool a TON this summer.. I got a tan for the first time since i was like 12.. haha

 

Went to the Lego store in Cincinnati for my brothers 9th birthday. (:

 

Made home-made cherry pie (and lots of other stuff) for the 4th of July. I bake a lot.. ha ha

 

Went to coney island (waterpark/amusementpark) on my dads week off! went canoeing for the first time in years.. I've always loved it. <3 haha

 

warped tour!!!! I was going to use a picture of one of my favorite bands but this one kind of helps you visualize just how huge it was.. and this was only 1 of the 8 or 9 stages.. :P

 

went fishing. (: i didn't catch anything but 2/3 of my brothers did!

 

I kind of have a thing for campfires.. :P I had to have at least 6 or 7 this summer..

 

Went to MI to see a few of my favorite bands.. Eyes on the sky, at long last, paradise fears, ashland high (trace cyrus.. yes, mileys brother.) and FTSK.

 

Here's my picture with Trace. He was so sweet. I got pictures with pretty much every other person there too but this picture list is already long as-is.. add me on facebook if you wanna see the rest, haha.

 

Went to an arcade place with one of my best friends for my 17th birthday.. I've known her since i was 5. Haven't seen her much the past few years until recently..  reconnecting with old friends is an amazing thing.

 

Saw Paradise Fears for the 3rd time this year.. at a house party they did in Grafton, OH. These 6 guys (and the friends i've made through them) are the only people who have left me with any hope in the human race. They are some of the most accepting people I have ever met.. I couldn't be more thrilled that I've got to spend as much time with them as I have. (:

 

This is my picture with Marcus (the bassist in PF). We (me and like 15 other people) sat and talked with them all for like 4 hours around a bonfire.. It was an amazing night. Too many pictures to post at once, though. This was honestly a night I'll never forget.. I made a bunch of new friends (that i don't want to post pictures of.. I don't know if they'd be cool with it.) that i would have never met otherwise.. I've only known them a week but i feel as if I've known them my entire life.. Music brings people together in an amazing way.. I love it.

 

Me & Tara. The girl I typically go to all these concerts with. (: it's all smokey because of the bonfire. haha.

 

Went to a big sunflower patch to take some senior pictures for my friend, because her photographer wasn't available.. we ended up setting a timer and taking some of both of us.. (:

 

All in all my summer was absolutely amazing.. This wasn't even half of what I wanted to post but this is already way too long as is so I'm going to shut up now..

 

Before I go? That band I keep seing? Paradise Fears? They did a cover of a song by Gym Class Heroes that is kind of amazing... their originals are fantastic but the video for this cover... you should watch it.. all the way through. Seriously.. It will give you hope in humanity.

 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Lf4YPpOQMGc

 

 

Alright! Bye (:

 

 

 

 

I don't have a clue what to title this.

I've been debating on uploading this post for a long time... But in the end, it comes down to being honest. This is what I'm going through. I don't want to seem negative or whiny. I just need to vent. and for people who come here for informational purposes, I share my story because I wanted to know what it would be like for me, before I got myself into it... there was absolutely nothing online from the patients perspective.. and so I created this website, hoping to help others.. I've gotten messages from other teenagers thanking me for this blog, and what not.. so I'm not going to mislead anyone by only telling the positive things. So I'm going to continue this post. ---

I've been slacking on updates here, for numerous reasons..

1. I've gained weight. I'm confused. I'm not happy. I'm hormonal 90% of the time. I don't want to say something I'll regret saying later.

2. I haven't had the motivation. I get lots of ideas for posts, but I just never follow through.

3. I've been going to my mom's a lot more lately, and her Internet connection is ridiculously slow.

4. I'm waiting on information back from a few different doctors on why I'm having so many issues.

5. I'm trying desperately to enjoy my summer, because I didn't get to the past 2 years. And blogging on here makes it hard, because it reminds me of the negative stuff in my life right now.. Which I'm trying to spend the least amount of time possible, focusing on.

----------------------

So that's where I'm at. Let me elaborate...

At my appointment in May with my bariatric team, I was down to 197lbs. And I was super excited. I had broken the 200 mark. a huge goal for me. I was eating in between 600 & 800 calories a day. Exercising about an hour a day, getting 60+fl oz of sugar free fluids a day. and doing great.

I emailed my dietitian asking her how many calories I was supposed to be getting in a day, at 10 months out. Because I wasn't losing as quickly as they said I should be. so I wondered if maybe i wasn't eating enough, because I had that problem before. She said in between 1,000 & 1,200. So, I attempted to up my calories. I'm still barely averaging 1,000. It's hard! I have to remind myself to eat.. but I try to get enough in.

WELL. My endocrinologist upped my Metformin, from 500 2x a day to 850 2x a day, because my insulin levels were still really high. Then after about a week of that, I was having serious nausea.. and couldn't get ahold of anyone for whatever reason. So I just quit taking it. Stupid decision, I know. very stupid. Whether it was due to the metformin, or if it was just a stomach bug, i don't know. But it stopped after i quit taking it.

And that same week, I ran out of the birth control I was on (which wasn't strong enough anyway, breakthrough bleeding.) so I was off that too, no refills.

What some people don't understand is, i see SO many doctors. I have my endocrinologist, I have the nurse practitioner & dietitian tied in with the bariatric surgery, then I have my family doctor. And they don't communicate. Everyone has different ideas on what should be happening on me, and different confusion on why their expectations aren't happening. So I'm in the middle of it all, and it's extremely frustrating. I don't know who to listen to or what to do.

Sure enough, I gained 10 pounds. In literally 3 weeks.

the people tied in with bariatric surgery seem to think i don't even really need the metformin, or that i wont for very long.. BUT LOOK WHAT HAPPENS WHEN I'M OFF OF IT.

Ugh...

So after lots of blood work was done by my endocrinologist, and it was determined that all of my blood work isn't any different than it was before, she thought maybe we just titrated too fast or something... and put me on 250 2x a day of metformin.. then 2 weeks later back on 500 2x a day.. and ordered in a new prescription for a stronger birth control.. which i was supposed to get the other day! but turns out, she ordered one that isn't even made anymore.... so I'm still on no birth control..

my mom is playing phone tag with the office trying to get ahold of her to figure out whats going on, and to ask her to order in one that is still made..?

In the mean time, I'm still exercising an hour a day. only getting in probably 800-900 calories a day, if that. I"m really moody and frustrated.

I have other teenagers that had surgery, added on facebook. And a few of them had surgery in the past 2 months.. and I'm just seeing their progress. and I'm happy for them.. but it also makes me.. mad at myself? because i didn't do as well as they are!

I mean recovery wise, i did better. but weight loss wise... One girl has already lost more than I have total, in less than 2 months. She started at a higher weight/bmi than i did.. but still.. it's disheartening.

I don't know what's wrong with me. All of these other people are off of their medications, and losing more. where I'm still on my meds, and not losing at all, and actually gaining.

they're eating more less-healthy things (I saw one girl talking about how she was eating burger king and ramen noodles), and still losing... (WTF?!), where I'm gaining.

Why am I so different?

--------------------------

My theory? Honestly? When I told the doctors at the bariatric center that my problem was not eating enough.. and that I had been dealing with this my entire life... That I never really ate poorly (obviously on occasion at holidays, but on a regular basis i followed strict diets).. I don't think they believed me.

Then they put me under the impression it would be a cure-all. That I would get off my medications, and because I could only eat so much volume-wise that I'd be okay if i followed a relatively healthy diet.

But that's just it... The restriction didn't change anything. Because I didn't eat enough in the first place. I had actually been diagnosed with an eating disorder (EDNOS) 1 year prior. But My entire life, i was on diets and exercise regimens.. I reinterate this ALL the time. But no one seems to believe me. Of course I slipped up sometimes, and resented it for awhile but.. all in all... I did as well as anyone can expect a kid to do, at 6, 7, 8, 9, 10 years old, etc...

At my last appointment someone (I forget who or what title they were specifically) said I'd be able to get off of metformin... I wouldn't be on it forever.

But look at this. I've been on it since i was 7 years old. and I clearly still need it.

Nothings really changing.

I was under the impression things would change, but they aren't. for me, anyway.

All of these other people I see, who haven't had the same issues I've had since they were babies, that had surgery, are doing fantastic, and all of it is  working for them, but not me.

I literally have sat here and cried a few times, wondering why it's different for me. Why me. But then I realize I can't change it. and all I can do is do my est. Keep doing what I'm doing, and pray someone figures something out...

Honestly, one day I caught myself looking at pro-anorexica sites. which I've never done. I was just curious.. I saw these diets members had shared with each other... super low calorie and what not.. one diet was like "600 calories  a day" and it gave ideas on things and what not.. obviously it wasn't high in protein or whatever like my diet but.... I FREAKING EAT AROUND 600 CALORIES A DAY. these girls are skin and bones. and I'm still freaking obese after having my stomach cut out.

 I don't know. I don't know what to think. I'm extremely frustrated. This is the ONLY website online, for teenage bariatric surgery. I'm the only person out of a group of 30 or so people, that I know has had this issue.. (that I'm aware of. I haven't talked to absolutely everyone. but no one else has ever voiced their thoughts on this issue, either.)

So maybe it's just me. and I definitely DON'T want to persuade someone to not look into surgery, because they think it wont work for them. The only way to know is to talk to your doctor.

My advice, if you're looking into surgery right now? If restriction really isn't your problem.. If you have absolutely no problem with cheating on diets, and you exercise, and you're still not losing weight.. There may be something else going on.. that cutting out your stomach wont fix.

Maybe it'd be different with a mal-absorption procedure like RNY or DS... but, I had the VSG.. which doesn't have an intestinal component.. and this is where I'm at. what I'm dealing with.

Am I the only one dealing with this? Please for the love of god, if someone is reading this and has been through this, adult or teenager, please contact me on facebook or comment on here or email me or something... I would do just about anything to know I'm not the only defected human being with this issue.


I don't know. I Just don't know. I know I've said that like 20 times already, but I don't. It's honestly miserable. It's depressing. I had all these hopes that people instilled in me, that i saw in other patients.. and it's all come crashing down.

Obviously, I know I made a mistake by stopping the Metformin for 2 weeks. But good god. One doctor had told me I shouldn't even be on it. I wasn't 100% sure it would be that big of an issue.. but clearly it was.

I want the truth. I want to know what the hell is going on with my body. I want to know why things aren't working for me, the way they're working for other people.

I want to know why I'm becoming hypoglycemic. Literally as I was typing this, i was getting shaky. sure enough, my blood sugar was low. I just went and ate 2 slices of deli turkey, and a piece of string cheese and a few wheat saltine crackers, and I'm okay now.. but god.. I want to know why one doctor says i need metformin, but another says i don't.. I want to know why I"m eating less than most people, but still gaining weight. I don't understand it! I want answers!!

I"m like a minority, within a minority, within a minority.. By that I mean. I'm an obese teenager with serious heath issues that contribute. (1st minority) and within that, I had weight loss surgery, (2nd minority). then I'm having issues with the weight loss surgery. I"m not losing. (which would be the 3rd minority).

Ugh...

I'm at like 205 pounds now. eating about 700-800 calories a day. I can't physically eat more than that, without turning to junk like ice cream and cookies and stuff... Which I don't even really like! I don't have a sweet tooth. at all. So it's really hard to get in as many calories that my dietitian says I should be getting. I'm exercising an hour a day. resistance/weights & aerobics/cardio. getting enough fluids & protein. but nothings budging.

When I get some answers (If i get some answers) I'll get back to you all. I see the bariatric team again on August 9th. so maybe they'll have some suggestions. And I also see my endocrinologist on August 1st.. so maybe she will too.

But untill then, I feel uncomfortable blogging about surgical related things, because I'm not successful right now. And I don't want to lead anyone down the wrong path, by claiming otherwise. So I'll continue blogging, just more about the metabolic stuff (which is an area I've been slacking in, anyway.. this blog isn't just surgical. its about Insulin Resistance, Diabetes, thyroid issues, hormonal stuff, etc... as well. Anything that would die under the umbrella of "Metabolic Syndrome".).. not the surgical.

So. That's where I'm at right now. I'm going to end this here, and go to sleep.. Then probably go to the pool tomorrow, and just try to block this massive feeling of failure out of my head, until I can come up with something or a doctor can come up with something that will fix this. It's all I can do.

Seriously.. If you're a teenager that is actually reading this.. contact me on facebook or email me or something.. I'd love to know if someone is actually getting something from any of this. If you're a medical professional that is reading this, or someone with any knowledge on any topic that I cover here, and have ANY idea whatsoever of what could be going on with me that I could ask one of my doctors about, please let me know. I want to talk to people educated on the topic.. or that are going through what i am, or something similar. A support system is something that I'm lacking.

I hope you're having a good day (or at least a better one than I'm having) and I'll touch base, soon!

-Ashley

The hospital (and surgery) is my 'Sanctuary'.

A friend of mine I met through a mutual love for a band, is making a book to give them at a show later this month.. Based off of this song.  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KdKu_J5ebMg Listen to it.. Honestly. It’s amazing. <3

But anyways.. The idea is send a picture in of yourself with what you consider to be, or in what place you consider to be your “sanctuary”.. & Write a few words about it.  I sent in a picture of me (That is currently my banner) of me in the hospital bed, in the recovery room after surgery… http://i50.tinypic.com/2mwe1vo.jpg --and I wrote this along with it..

“The hospital... I go there pretty often... I don't mind, because, well, put simply.. The doctors there saved my life. Without surgery.. I wouldn't be able to enjoy concerts or photography or anything else I do enjoy. Every time I go there I'm reminded of how much stronger I am now than I was before. & How much better my life is. so yeah... The hospital is definatley my Sanctuary." <3

It’s the truth…  That song has helped me get through a lot. Hell. That whole band has and they have absolutely no clue. – But without this surgery.. I wouldn’t be in a good place like I am now. I wouldn't be off of my antidepressants. I wouldn’t be applying to college or looking for a job. I wouldn’t be going to a huge music festivle/tour in July. I wouldn’t be able to last all day on my feet, like I can now! It’s just.. amazing. I am getting sick of going to the hospital so much.. But every time I do It’s just an amazing reminder of how far I’ve come.. How much healthier I am.. and How grateful I should be that I’m doing so well and just.. It’s fantastic. It’s reassuring, aswell.. To know people care and are trying to help me STAY healthy. And I can’t imagine it any other way. I can't thank the people that have helped me along on this journey enough. My doctors, the people I've met on ObesityHelp, The other teenagers i've met that had the same surgery (or wls in general..) or are planning to.. anyone who has encouraged this blog.. everything.

It's amazing... I remember the second I got accepted for a consultation.. For WLS... That day was the last time I ever cut myself... I remember the day of the consultation I had so much makeup over the cuts.. Just to make sure no one would see them... Because I needed this surgery. If i didn't seem completely stable.. I didn't think I'd be able to get it. -- I had finally found a glimmer of hope.. a silver lining, I guess. A few months later I was off of anti depressants.. i still have some anxiety every now and then but.. It's controlled.. I'm able to control it now..  I've ahd a few off days.. especially when i was frustrated feeling like the surgery was for nothing but... as of 5-15-2012  at 16 years old, I'm 195 lbs. I havent been 195lbs since I was 13... It's just unreal.  I still have family issues.. but they dont bother me as much as they used to, because I'm not stuck at home all the time... and They're not my main focus. my main focus now is getting healthy.  nothing else bothers me or is as important to me, as that  is, right now.

I've never been more thankful for anything in my life. I don't think I ever will be because, well, the VSG gave me my life back... A life i don't think I ever had.. Absolutely everything doesn't revolve around my weight gains anymore.. Because i havent gaiend any weight in a year and a half.. It's just.. one of those things. It's surreal.

People who havent experienced it can't really understand.. So people think i'm crazy and that I have an anorexic way of thinking.. Because I'm so weight obsessed.. But that's all I know. My entire life has revolved around my weight.. And It's amazing to be able to focus on other things for once.. I'm re-learning how to live a normal life.. Although anxiety provoking, and frustrating, and depressing sometimes.. It's amazing I get to now. I got the gift at a young enough age.. I dont' have to live the rest of my life the way I lived the first 15 years. I don't have to live in fear or the unkonwn about my diseases and I now know that seriously.. If you really want to do something.. You'll do it. You'll find a way. There is ALWAYS  a way. No matter what it is. Now that doesn't mean it will come quickly. or easily. But theres always a way for whatever you want to happen, to happen.

Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you'll still land among the stars.

Have a great day. <3

-Ashley(: