(Please excuse my excessive use of profanities.. My mind doesn't register any other logical adjectives or adverbs or any descriptive words, at all, when I'm pissed.)
WHAT THE FUCK?!?!?!!?!?!?!
I just got my RX refilled for Synthroid and the label says "Don't take within 4 hours of taking Iron, Calcium, or Antacids.. Must be taken on an empty stomach in the morning." and I've also been told in the past by a few people not to take it with a multi vitamin...
HOW THE FUCK AM I SUPPOSED TO FIT THIS IN?!?!!??!?! So does this mean every time I've taken it with my zantac or calcium citrate, it didn't work? or if i didn't take it on an empty stomach in the morning, but at night, that it didn't work?
This medicine stuff is so fucking confusing. I have to take meds 5-6 times a day to get it all in. that's just not right.. And after realizing how off I've been I'm trying to get back on it.. I've always been good with medications. but everything keeps freaking changing and i can't STAND it.
One doctor says one thing, another doctor say s another, i keep getting put on and taken off different doses and different medications.. just. UGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I hate being the little nerd I am with my doctors. Researching things for myself. I don't want to seem like I'm doubting them. They are the doctors. I'm just their 16 year old patient. and most 16 year olds wouldn't take it into their own hands to research their diseases and medications and what not..
So I talk to other people on websites and such about their experiences with insulin resistance/pcos and they each say something different... one lady was talking to me about my birth control I'm on (altavera) causing her problems and she couldn't lose weight on it.
this is like the 4th or 5th type of BC I've been on.
I don't even know what to think anymore.
I hate all this confusion. and I hate that i like researching this stuff, because i do, and i learn more, and i feel like an asshole bringing it up with doctors. I've always felt guilt for so much that i shouldn't feel guilty about. but i do. and it makes me feel bad.
I'm exercising one fucking hour a day like I'm supposed to. I"m under 800calories almost every day. under 60 carbs almost every day. 60+oz sf fluids.. every. fucking. day. and my weight doesn't fucking budge. given, confusion with meds. i don't fucking care.
my weight has been all fucked up ever since i had surgery. the amount of 'stalls' or 'pauses' I've had is FUCKING RIDICULOUS. one lasted for 6 weeks. another one for a month. another one for 3 weeks. another one for 8 weeks. and with all these med changes i have no fucking doubt it has to be those causing it. it's just not fucking right!!!!!
YES. i have taco bell or McDonald's occasionally. but i always get the fucking healthiest thing they have, and hardly eat any of it!!! its almost always something involving grilled chicken. always. and that's what i eat. and i still stay under my calorie/carb limit!!! yes. we get pizza sometimes. i always get thin crust and the amount i eat stays UNDER my calorie/carb limit I've set for myself.
I've had issues with exercising since surgery. less than a month after surgery i had a huge chunk of skin removed because there was a huge mole removed and it was on the upper inside part of my thy.. it hurt to walk. my legs would rub together and it'd be really painful. i also sprained my ankle in December. and i was on crutches for awhile.
but aside from that, I've walked. a ton. and since February I've been doing close to an hour a day almost every day. walking/jogging and palates.. and light weight lifting. sure I've missed some days. sure i don't always hit an hour. but i always do something. I've hurt myself a lot because i over do it.. i didn't go jogging today because i pulled a muscle yesterday.but i did upper body stuff and sit ups and push ups to make up for it!
I'm not perfect. NO ONE IS. but I've followed my plan just about to a T. doing everything i know to do.
I know i started at a lower weight. and I know all my metabolic stuff makes it harder to lose weight.
IT DOESN'T MAKE IT ANY LESS FUCKING FRUSTRATING.
I'm sick of doctors changing things every time I see them. i just want something to fucking work for once! YES. I've lost about 45lbs since surgery. but guess what?!?! I LOST 35LBS PRE-SURGERY by eating MORE and having higher doses of medications. did i make a mistake? should i have not had that surgery? or a different surgery maybe?!
oh my god.. words cannot fucking express my thoughts right now.
I feel sick today. i think i got a bug or something. so I'm a lot more irritable today than normal. so reading that pill bottle just fucking set me off...
I'm generally a happy person. easy to get along with. I'm usually pretty passive. i don't like confrontation. but today is just not a good day. I'm sure I'll be back to normal tomorrow or something.
but good fucking lord.
I'M DOING EVERYTHING. i don't know what else i can fucking do!
OH. AND ON TOP OF ALL OF THAT.
according to the place i had surgery, I'm supposed to be losing 2lbs a week... aside from my frustrations with that not happening, my endocrine just wants me under 200lbs by the time i see her on august 1st.... that's only 3 or 4 more pounds... that'd be like a pound a month.. vs 2lbs a week..
WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO BE AIMING FOR HERE?!
obviously, more weight loss quicker... I want plastic surgery asap.. because this loose skin is already on my last nerve.. i'm getting cysts and my skin hurts where it all rubs together, when i lay on my side my stomach indents in and it almost hurts.. my arms are annoying, the inside of my thighs kill. under my stomach where it hangs i'm about to chop off myself, and just, ugh.
its just so confusing.
and i HATE the fact that I'm 16 so I'm always afraid doctors are thinking I'm being a smart ass or questioning them when i ask anything serious rather than the typical concerns of a teenager. "how do i tell my friends about my surgery? how do i explain it to my boyfriend?" I'm totally open about everything on the Internet. on facebook. my personal facebook. i'm not worried about what people think anymore. I'm worried about my health and if this doesn't fucking work for me, what the fuck will?!?!?!?!!?!?!?!
fdjskal;fjasdklfjkl;asdafkljdfkl;asjfkl;jasdkl;fas;kjdfkl;asdjfkasjdfklasj;fas;
UGH.
Oh. on top of all of this carpul tunnel has been acting up lately. (yes. I'm a 16 year old with carpul tunnel. diagnosed. urgent care Dr. thought i sprained it. he said carpul tunnel. surprizing? i know. i type too much.) so i'm in a ridiculous amount of pain/numbing/spasms/tingling feelings/etc... and i'm not supposed ti take ibuprofen at all... one doctor says i can if i take it with zantac, others say not at all, tylenol doesn't do shit for me. i still have oxycodone Left from surgery. maybe i should break into that stash.
ughh...
fjdak;sfjasl;kfja;slkfjsa;klfjas;
normally i wouldn't post rants like this... i have a handful of times int he past... i hate people seeing when i'm not in a good mood or not dealing with things well.. because the SECOND i don't deal with things perfectly or 'normal' doctors try to push anti depressants down my throat.
and all my doctors know i have this blog.
I have one bad day, and everyone assumes i'm falling into a deep dark depression and its going to take years of therapy to come out of it again.
no. I've been there. and I'm NOT going back. the acceptance alone to this surgery is what brought me out of it. yes. me feeling like i'm failing is depressing. but deep down i know I'm not failing. I've lost over 80lbs. i'm over halfway to my goal weight. and typically i'm happy about it.
again. ONE. FUCKING. BAD DAY.
let me have it. please. i need to rant like this. it helps. a LOT.
ugh. i don't even know anymore. i don't have real friends i can' talk to about this. and i'm tired of talking to therapists about it all and doctors. i mean i can talk to my friends. but they don't understand. they're all jealous. i'm jealous of them though.t hey have pancreas' that work. they just choose to be lazy and eat too much of the wrong things. they don't have to have their stomach cut out to be able to lose weight. and even then, still its not guaranteed that will work.
so yes. list of things pissing me off right now.
kgo.
- medications.
- lack of weight loss.
- doctors not being able to make up their minds.
- pulling a muscle in my leg causing pain.
- carpul tunnel.
- not being able to renew my temps like i was supposed to the other day, to finish drivers ed.
- not being able to get a job.
- not having an understanding family or friends when it comes to this stuff.
- having no one i can relate to.
- people assuming i'm crazy whenever i have a bad day.
I'm going to go play a bunch of music and write and rant more in my journal and then try to sleep. I'll probably be totally over this all in the morning.
its not reasonable to assume everything about this journey is great.. it's not. its hard. people need to know that. so here's my two cents.
i hope you're having a better day than i am.
peace.
-Ashley
www.facebook.com/justashley1637
UPDATE: 20 minutes later.. I'm really proud of myself right now.. Right after I posted this i went and almost grabbed food.. key word: almost... i've never been much of an emotional eater... it's never been a big problem for me.. (my problem was more.. not eating... or cutting myself.. neither of which i've done, intentionally anyway, in a very long time.. ever since i started losing weight before i even got accepted for surgery... and then got accepted for surgery... i havent done either... it's been about a year, yet another reason i'm proud of yself.) BUT. i stopped myself.... I realized emotional eating was exactly what i was doing. I didn't feel hungry, and I know i didn't need to eat... So I chugged half of a propel zero (kiwi strawberry<3) and worked out for 15 minutes... some jumping jacks, pushups, situps, a few palate's things.. and streched... and then i hate a sugar free sour icebreaker thing.. which i'm kind of hooked on.. and i feel so much better.. and not guilty.. because i didn't eat..
That's a really big accomplishment for me.. not from refraining eating (and not eating, and not cutting..) but because i turned to exersize.. i have NEVER done that.. in my life.. i've never WANTED to exersize... And i've never felt much better after exerisizing, untill now...
I'm a happy person now. bipolar angry bitchy ashley moment, over. i will continue moving forward with my life, now. goodbye.<3(:
