Self Esteem, and random other thoughts.

Self Esteem.. Somthing I lack very much of, and I know lots of other people, regardless of their size, have issues with.. It really makes you think.

Personally, my self esteem has been knocked down my whole life. not just because of my weight, but just stupid kid things.. 'oh your hair looks stupid' or 'why dont you get a life, you loser?' And at the time i just kinda brush the stuipd comments off, but after awhiel they add up..

I've always been kind of a 'loner' i guess you could say. Ive always had health issues i had to deal with.. I remember in 3rd grade, my mom had my teacher keep a bag of these sugar free low carb biscotti cookie things.. so whenever a kid had a birthday and brought in a treat, i would have one of those instead of the treat.. and kids would make fun of me for it.. Then in 5th grade when a type 1 diabetic joined, i got made fun of more.. Cause they're like 'oh well your the fat one, hes not! you obviously just overeat' and stuipd things like that.. they didnt yet understand the difference betwen type 1 and type 2, and i never bothered to try to explain.

Lately I've done better with things.. I dont get made fun of as much because the people i hang out with (if any, im kindof an introvert), all have their own issues.. Everyone has their own issues, but some are more publicly known than others, i guess. People will say 'oh i love your hair' or 'your makeup looks so nice!' or things iek that, but ive mentally trained myself not to believe it from the time i started middle school, just because people usted to make fun of me and say those kind of things. I'm almost always down on myself. I mean sure, i can look in the mirror sometimes and say 'oh wow. i look halfway decent today' but when i get around a group of people im just automatically insecure.

I have this one friend, I'm not gonna mention names cause well, obvious reasons.. But i seriouslya dmire her. shes likea  year or so younger than me.. Shes also a bigger girl. She posted a picture on her facebook of her from about her mid-stomach, up, and she was wearing a bikini. and her caption on the picture was:  "I don't care what other people think; I'm just wearing a bikini with a tank top over it to swim this year♥ I don't care if I'm too fat for it; if you don't wanna see me in it, don't go swimming with me ~"

^^^^^ I wish i could say the same. I'm working on it. I'm not afraid to wear nicer clothes or stand out a little bit.. Seriously though, more people should accept the fact that a lot of america is obese. not just america, but the world. and we shouldnt be ridiculed cause of it. You dont know the reason behind why someone is overweight, or why someone has a stupid haircut or why someones a clutz or whatever someone gets made fun of for.. you dont know them!

Im speaking to myself as well, when i say we all need to accept ourselves. I realize i'm having this surgery. But i am having it for my health. Sure, theres the benefit of looking better losing the weight. But if that aws the only benefit of the surgery.. If i had no health problems, i wouldnt be having the surgery. i wouldnt have qualified and quite frankly i wouldnt have even thought of it if i wasnt so cared for my health. Weight isnt my only insecurity.. I'm short, i think i have a weird voice, my nose looks weird, i hate my bigger chest and my skin.. i hate my skin. but guess what? its who i am! i cant complain. I could have it a lot worse, img reatful id ont. and you should too! everyone has somthing to be greatful for. everyone has somthing they liek about them. Embrace it!

^^^^^^
Alright, enough on self esteem. just a random update on the doctor stuff:

I have a 3hr.Glucose Tollerance Test, tomorrow morning. I hate drinking the stupid stuff -.- Im so glad they got more than th eorange flavor now though.. i cant even come near sunkist without  getting sick, since i had that one time.. the lemon lime is a little more tolerable.. But still, terrible aftertaste and bleh D: i dont mind the needle or fasting or getting up early or even being int he hospital.. but the drink is the one thing i HATE about it. it seriously makes me sick. and i've been off metformin the past week.. My endocrin wanted me off of it a week prior to the test, so she coudl see my levels without the metformin affecting anything.. So thats been miserable. My sugars have been all over the place. /:

Uhm next week i believe is my next meeting with the doctors and nurses and dieticians and stuff involved with my surgery.. that same day im getting an ekg, ecocardiogram, and have a meeting with a pulmonary doc to schedule a sleep study for osa (obstructive sleep apnea). Thats going to be a long day..

Then later this month i have an appt. with my endocrin to see results of the glucose tolerance tset, andd discuss meds and such.. and then in july i have another pcyhiatrist appt. and other appts. with different doctors. So yeah.. my summer is full.

Not to mention i started volunteering at my local childrens hospital. I love it! i work mondays from 12-4. its the perfect place for me. the girl i volunteer with is really cool, too. i get to do research and clerical stuff, and take a video cart around to the kids in the hospital. <3 perfect place for me. lol.
anddd im in summerschool. 9-12 tuesday-friday. which sucks. But i just have to finish up two classes. and then i dont have to go anymore. since its all done on computers, i can work through it at my own pace, which isnt too slow. (: haha.

so yeahhh. just a random filler update and rant about self esteem.  i have no life this summer other than volunteering summer school and drs.. so if im not at the pool i'll probably be updating here (: so yup.

peace<3